Thursday, November 15, 2012

Backing Away from The Edge

Well, here we are, less than 2 months until drop night. Less than 8 weeks away from finding out our next big assignment and what the hubs could potentially be flying for most of his career. This is scary. This is stressful. I could lie and say that I have been the picture of grace and perfect composure this past week or so, but that would be a serious serious lie. I could lie and say that I have complete faith in God, that he will place us where we need to be, despite what OUR desires, wishes, and wants are. However, that would be a lie to. I feel as if we are on the edge of a cliff and the instinct to slowly back away is consuming me instead of having faith and trusting in my savior and taking the leap. That is something I am still struggling with, hence this post.

Why is it so hard to place faith in our Lord, take the plunge off the cliff, give it all to him, and know that he has an amazing and awe-inspiring plan for our lives? Why is it so hard to just LET GO and give up everything to him? Because it's scary, that's why. Because it means giving up what WE want for our lives, giving up our personal, selfish, desires for what we know he has planned for our life. That's scary. That's stressful. But in all honesty, it's not. It should be comforting and exciting. We should bask in the fact that we have no control over our lives and what ultimately happens when it comes to our careers, love life, family, and just our day to day living. At the end of the day HE is in control, HE knows what's best for us. Isn't that amazing!

Why then is it our human nature to fear that? To be so scared of giving up what we feel is control, when in reality it's nothing more than a false sense of control over something we can do nothing about. These, and many other, similar questions have been racing through my mind this week.

This past Sunday I looked at my calendar and had one of those "oh crap" moments where I realized that in exactly 2 months and 6 hours we will be finding out what happens next. Where we will be planted for the next 3-4 years, what type of pilot the hubs may be for the rest, or most, of his career. Everything that he's worked for and labored over for the past 5+ years comes down to that one night, to those 5 or so minutes that he stands in front of 100+ fellow student pilots, their significant others, and instructors and finds out what he has been "given" and what they feel he deserves. That's scary to me. I know what WE want, and I know what he has worked SO hard for. What if what WE want doesn't happen? What if what we have both desired and worked so hard for doesn't come to fruition? What if his hard work just doesn't pay off in the way WE want it to? Those are the thoughts that have consumed my mind and my heart, replacing my faith in God as of late.

But the big thing I notice, as I look back over these thoughts and scenarios as they have been running through my mind, is that all of those questions have the word "we" in it, not "God". I've become so consumed with what I want for my husband, what WE want as a couple, that I have put God on the back burner. It has been a constant prayer for me this week, as some of my sweet close friends will attest, that God lays peace and understanding on my heart. That he gives me a peace that surpasses all understanding and feeling of calm as I know that this entire scenario is out of my hands. I pray that he blesses us in ways that we cannot even imagine, as he already has, as I know deep down he will.

This is one of those times in my life where it has become so easy to forget all the things we should be thankful for, to forget the many blessings he has already bestowed on us. We have had a rough past two years, between my sweet mother passing away and with the stress of pilot training. But through it all HE has been a rock, God has been there with us, on the good and bad days. Looking into the future terrifies me and I know it shouldn't. I know HE has awesome plans for us, whether that means staying here in Del Rio for 4 or so more years, heading to a fighter, or heading off to some unknown aircraft we have never even heard of.

In my bible study we have often talked about how God will place us in the midst of a struggle in order for us to fall to him and come to him for comfort and help. It can be said that without trials and tribulation we may never come to God for help and feel as if we do not need him at all. I can honestly say that this is one of those seasons for me in my faith. This is a time for me to sow, not reap. To sit before the Lord and revel in his majesty and learn that his will is what is commanded of my life and know that he has control. It is my place now to have faith and to fall before him and grow during this time of need in my faith and life.

As my readers I ask you to please pray for all of these things for our little family as we head into these next few weeks. That we will have peace and understanding in the midst of all we are experiencing. A lot of things will be decided for us and I pray for peace and understanding as I see all of our hard work come to fruition. Thanks for bearing with me in this post. I know it's not generally the subject matter I choose to write about but I felt that I needed to bear my soul a little. God has some amazing things in store for us, I just know it. It's getting to that point of knowing it's going to be ok though that is often the biggest struggle.

Love this man..I couldn't be more proud of him!


  1. I will definitely be praying for you guys to get what you are hoping for! Don't stress too much because that won't change the outcome no matter what! :)

  2. I can't even tell you how much I enjoyed reading this honest and real you had me hanging onto every word. It really spoke to me, as I know it would every other wife that has been or will be in our situation. You are such an inspiring and supportive military wife, and paired with an awesome husband you guys make an amazing couple and I know you are both so deserving of whatever great plans God has in store for you. Will be praying for you both in this crazy but exciting time!

  3. There is something so freeing about sitting before God, with nothing to offer and trusting fully in his plan- thankful for your friendship and what is to come for your little family!